The Day I Spoke my Truth

On this day 12 years ago the day started like any other day. I woke up, did my choirs and went to school. It was my last year in high school. That day after school there was a basketball game that my little brother was suppose to play in and my parents had told me that I could go watch. After school ended my friends and I went to the gym and there we found out that my brother wasn't going to be playing. My parents told me that I had to come home (my parents were very controlling). I was kind of mad cause I wanted to hang out with my friends so I had a little attitude. As we were driving home I was being yelled at the whole way home because of my attitude and being disappointed. By the time we had got home I was so upset from being yelled out. One of my friends called to see where I had gone, because she hadn't seen me leave. I told her that I had to go home and she could tell I was upset. After talking, well mostly crying, for a while I told her that I had a big secret that could really change my life that I needed to tell her. Without even telling her what it is she precedes to tell me that she had thought abuse had been happening. We talk about what was best to do and she told me to tell someone that I trusted. Of course being only 17 I thought that person would be my mother. I had tried to tell my mom what had been happening before by writing a letter but my step dad found it first and that didn't go well. I get up the courage to go ask my mom if we could go for a drive so that I could talk to her. At first she gets mad and tells me just to talk to her there, after insisting that we left for me to tell her (my step dad was in the house) she agreed. As we get into the truck I was shaking not sure how to say what I had to say. After driving just down the street I know that I just need to tell her because the anticipation is about to make me throw up. Are conversation goes as followed:

K: I have something that I need to tell you.

M: What?

K: Dad....... has been sexually..... abusing me since I was about 8.

M: There is no way, why would you even say that?

She turns the truck around and drives us home. The tears start to pour down my face, not just out of sadness but because I was hurt. My step dad was right no one would believe me when I told. I thought that my mom was supposed to keep my safe no matter. I guess I was wrong that isn't what she thought she needed to do. Instead she drove me right back home to be face to face with the person who had cause years of abuse. As soon as I got home I ran right back to my room, crushed not sure what I was suppose to do know. Was life just going to go on like it always had or what? Little did I know my world was going to be turned upside down in less then 24 hours.

After sitting there with tears streaming down my face I hear someone coming down the hall, my heart starts to pound. Who was it? Was it my mom coming to tell me she believed me? Was it my step dad coming to hurt me? The door comes open and my mom is standing there.

M: Give me your phone

K: (as I hand her the phone) why?

M: Because you have chosen to make up these things you don't get your phone.

K: really?

M: and I talked to your dad and he said that he never did anything like that.

I have never been so scared in my life. I stayed in my room the rest of the night. I couldn't sleep that night I was so scared he was going to kill me. Every footstep I heard I would say a pray to please let me make it to the next day. I have never had such a long night in my life. Finally as the sun came up at 7 I was able to fall asleep.

My little brother

Starting on the 18th of November I will be posting everyday for a while to share my story day by day as the hardest week of my life unfolded 12 years ago. Todays post is on my little brother because November 6th is his birthday. I grew-up/live in a small town and growing up we lived outside of town and there weren't very many other kids so my brother was one of my best friends. We would do everything together from playing catch to sneaking into each other’s bedrooms to play Nintendo together. When one of us would get into trouble we would go to each other to complain to each other on how crappy it was. So to say the least on the day I got taken out of my house not only did I lose my brother but also I lost one of my best friends. I have not talked to my brother since the day I was removed and always think of him especially on this day.

During this month I try and keep myself busy, as that is one of my coping mechanisms. This is not a very efficient coping mechanism because I try not to face the feeling I really am having by staying as busy as possible. Well, as I have been doing everything on my "to-do list" I was listening to my music. The song Warrior by Demi Lovato (I posted it at the bottom of this post) came on and for the first time I really listened to the words. This song is speaking to me in so many ways. It took my almost 10 years to tell my truth to my mother and 12 more years to share it with all of you. My step-father (and other men in my life) took away my innocents when I was so young. But this song nailed it with its lyrics "Now I'm a warrior"!

Thank you all so much for reading my blog and I can't wait to continue sharing my story with you. If you want notification when I post a new blog follow me!!!

My life

My name is Kendra and I am a 29-year-old mother of 6 wonderful children and a wife to an amazing husband who is always by my side. I have decided to start blogging the journey to overcome my past and becoming a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, and friend.

I will start with a little back ground with minimal detail and along this journey more detail will come in. 

I was born into a family that was very abusive; both my parents were alcoholics and combine that with a temper it is never a good situation. Soon after my little brother was born my parents got a divorce, which at the time I was about 3. After divorcing my mother remarried and you would think the abusive would have stopped there. Little did I know on that day my mom choose to say "I do" my life was going to get so much harder. My mom was in the military and would have to be gone a lot, which is when everything started. When I was 8 years old my stepfather started sexually abusing me when my mom would be gone. This abuse progressed from just when my mom was gone to becoming an almost everyday thing, as I got older.

On November 19th 2004, my whole world changed. I finally got the courage to tell my mom what had been going on for almost 10 years. Which you would think would mean that he would go jail and we would be a family just my mom, little brother and I. Well that’s not how my story goes, on that day I was taken into state custody because my mom CHOSE to keep him in her life and not me (he did serve jail time but she still choose to stay with him. That day I lost my mom and brother. 

Since this day I have struggled to figure out who I am. My whole life I had never stood up for me, I had been told whom I was and what I was going to do. I had learned that I was not good enough, too fat, and not smart enough. Then after getting removed I had came up with a whole new set of beliefs, no one would ever want me after what had happened, this had all been my fault or my mom would be on my side and may more beliefs that were wrong.

I struggled with some of these beliefs still to this day and this blog is going to be my story to get to where I am and my journey to over come the rest of these beliefs to becoming the better me. 

I love the motto by C.G. Jung " I am not what happened to me. I am what I choose to become. This is something that I am always working on. I get to be who ever I want to become and my abuse doesn't get to dictate who I am!