Justice System

It has been a while since I have written on here. SO I am going talk about something that I am working through right now. When I got taken out of my house I got appointed a state attorney, and the one I got was a real winner. I always struggled with going to his office or having to talk to him because of the way that I was treated. I never felt like he really listened to what I had to say and in return I never felt that he truly believed me. He would make comments about how I never made eye contact with him, well little does he know 13 years later I still don't like to make eye contact (even more with men) and have to force myself to do it. He also had the nerve to tell me that the jury might think that I am a bitch so he didn't like putting me on the stand. These are really just a few of the reason that I struggle with this man that was suppose to be my attorney. There are two really big reasons that I struggle with him. The first reason is, this was one of the people that I was suppose to feel was on my side, that was going to help me and keep me safe. But really I felt the flip side of that and felt that he was going along with what I had felt my whole like. I let him make me feel that I was a bitch (which my mom had told me my whole life that I was), that I wasn't good enough and most of all that I wasn't worth fighting/standing up for. This problem isn't even what I see to big the biggest problem of them all because I have dealt with feeling these ways my whole life. The thing that I have the biggest problem with is I don't feel that I was given any justice. When I started my court case I was charging my stepfather with 10 first-degree felonies (mind you this could have really been hundreds of thousands of counts). When I attorney decided, with out even asking me, that we were going to let him take a plea deal and drop the charges to 1 second degree. Yes, you read that right 10 first degrees down to one second degree. When I asked him why he told me that he didn't want to go to court if he wasn't sure we would win. I told him I was willing to take the change and was told very quickly that this wasn't my case that it was his and that he got to make that call. Last I checked he was not the one that had to sit there time after time and have sex with their step dad. My stepfather didn't even have to serve a full year in prison for what he did. This has been really hard because I don't feel like I have ever been given justice. Not that I think that serving time would change what happened to me, because I know that it wouldn't. I just have a hard time feeling like I am the only one that had to pay a price, I spent 17 years going through the abuse, went through 6 plus months of court cases, had my whole family turn away, lived in foster care, and still to this day suffer from the emotional effects of everything. Not once have I got, I am sorry I did this to you. I actually take that back as part of his treatment he had to write me a letter but in this letter it was all about how he was sorry that I felt like he did this. I am sorry that is not taking accountability for what you did and are still doing. It is so hard to sit back and never be told that you are sorry and that you know everything I have ever said has been true but yet to feel like I am suppose to forgive this person.

To say the least I really struggle with the attorney that I was appointed and the justice system. I am not sure how someone can steal a bike and get 5 years in prison and then someone else can do HORRIBLE things to a child for 17 year and get a slap on the wrist and serve 1 year. 

Late night post

Hey guys! I am so sorry I have been absent lately on here. Things have been going pretty good lately and I have been doing a lot of work to try and over come patterns that I have learned. Patterns that growing up I had to have to survive but that as an adult they don't help me any more. They have been thing such as "I can't tell anyone no" and "I need to keep everyone happy." I have also been working on believes that I have really struggled with such as I am not good enough, I am not worthy of being loved, and that I am not a good enough Mom. These are all things that will take time to over come but I am working on them.
One thing that has been really bad lately is my anxiety. If you have never suffered from anxiety you are so lucky. Some days I can control it and feel fine but other days it can control me. I have learned some triggers that I have such as large crowds and such. Some nights like last night and tonight there is nothing that triggers it or nothing that makes it better. Just a mind that won't shut off and a chest that feels tight. I know that it will pass and it will calm back down but until then I just want to say anxiety really sucks.
I am going to try and do better at keep sharing my story I will go back and pick up where I left off soon. Thanks for reading!

Life

Sorry things have been a little crazy around here and I haven't had time to write so I am going to try and catch up soon but today I want to talk about a problem that I have almost every day. I suffer from anxiety. My anxiety can range from very minimal to pretty bad. I don't really remember when my anxiety started, I am sure I had it growing up just don't remember it as much as after I was taken out of my house. After getting taken out of the home the problem became much worse, there are some times I have a hard time leaving my house or going places like Wal-Mart. For someone who has never suffered from anxiety its hard to explain how you feel and make you understand because when you are not having anxiety the it seems so stupid that you would worry about certain things and what not. Sometimes I have things that trigger my anxiety (that I am aware of) and sometimes I don't really know what cause it. Tonight for some reason is a night I don't know what is causing it but know that it is pretty bad. I just feel so on edge, shaky, and just that anxious feeling. Its nights like tonight that I really struggle with because anxiety SUCKS! It can really control your whole life. I normally do pretty well and getting it under control and not letting it affect me for very long but sometimes that doesn't happen. If you suffer with anxiety I am sorry! So enough of that!

So guys I want to know what you guys what to read about on this blog. I really want to do this not just for my healing, but also for awareness. If there is a room of 4 girls statistic show one of them has been raped and 1 in 6 males. I want to know if you want to read about how I have gotten to where I am today, things that are healing for me, or day today issues that I deal with (like anxiety) and how they affect me. Let me know! Thank you guys all so much for reading my blog and sharing it with others it means so much to me. I have always said that if I had to go through what I have went through there has to be a reason and that I want to share my story in order to maybe help someone else who may be going through something similar know that they can over come it.