Way of thinking

Well since I can't sleep I might as well do a blog on something that I have really struggled with lately that I need to get off my chest.

I have found that I battle with myself a lot with what I want. As I am finishing up my degree I want to be really, really good at what I do, but I don't like attention for things. This is more than just the normal person of not liking compliments; this is more that I can't handle them. I find that I like to just ride the middle ground. I don't like compliments but I don't want to be told I am not good at something. I have really struggled with this lately. Like I said I want to be really good so, I would think I would want the compliments to help me see that I am, but I have found that is not the case.

I have never really paid attention to this fear of compliments before now. I always just brushed off when someone gave me one with, "they are just trying to be nice." I have really paid attention to what happens when I get either a compliment or criticism. I get really anxious, my heart starts beating really fast, I feel like I can't swallow, and I just want to move on. After sitting with it and doing some work around this issue, I have finally started to see why. 

This is were I am going to get real with you guys. I can't handle compliments because my stepfather really screwed up my way of thinking. He used sex for both a reward and a punishment. Let me explain. I did something good such as got good grade or played an amazing game of Volleyball, then I was "reward" with having to have sex with him. The flip side I did something bad such as didn't get 100% on an assignment or didn't do my chore perfect, then I was punished with having to have sex with him. See where I am going, I couldn't win. Riding the middle line and flying under the radar was the safest was to be. He really screwed up the way I think about myself and my self worth. Now every time I get either a compliment or criticized my first thought is something bad is coming. This is something I have really been working on because like I said, I want to be good at what I do and want to build my confidence in it. Part of building confidence comes from other telling you. So sitting with these compliments has been a working process. The reason that I share this with you is for a couple reasons. First if you give me a compliment and I brush it off and don't know how to respond it's cause I don't know how to and am working on it. The other reason is because I want each and every one of you to know that how important you are. Your self worth is so important, and no one deserves abuse in any form. You matter and you get to be what you want to be. Life can throw you huge curve balls but you get to choose what you do with it. I get to come from a really crappy background and learn to accept compliments and criticism. I get to have all my hard work pay off and be a great counselor to help others. What do you get to do? Who do you get to become no matter what gets put in your way?

November :(

Wow, it’s been a while and life has really changed. I am finishing up school and am in my internship right now. It has been an amazing journey and I have learned so much about myself along the way. 

Here we are back to November, the month that I hate more than any month in the year. There are so many memories and feelings that come with this month. I have been working on some really hard memories that come with my trauma in counseling and it has been so tough. I know that this is how I get to the other side is to do the hard work, but damn it has been hard. I have always been transparent and raw on this blog so this post will not be any different. I feel that by sharing the raw emotions and feelings it helps me and I hope helps other see they are not alone. So, here we go.

November sucks! This year will be 15 years since I have been taken out of my house and had my life turned upside down. That means that I have almost been out of my house and not having my family in my life, as long as I lived in the house. I am sure some of you are thinking, wow 15 years and you are still struggling and hating November. Some things that you need to know, I don't always struggle, I have constant triggers, and anniversaries can always be hard. With all that said I am struggling right now and that’s just how it is. I have learned that sometimes I can't control when I struggle just how to work through it and move forward. 

Now for the reason I feel like I am struggling this year. I am going to start by saying I know I have a lot of people in my life that love me and have really stepped up. But, now for the truth of how I feel. It has been really hard to have a mom that walks away and doesn't choose you. Not only did she not choose me on that day, she has not chose me for the last 15 years. I can remember the day that I had to go back to my house with DCFS to pack all of my stuff. I remember exactly what my room looks like, the way it smelt, how it was set up but worst of all I remember the look on my moms face as I took all my stuff out and left for the very last time. The look of emptiness, like I meant nothing to her, but worst of all like I had ruined her life. A mother doesn't just give up on her children. Being a mother myself I could never walk away from my children. There are times that I feel the abandonment from my mom is worse then the entire trauma I when through with my stepfather. I have formed so many beliefs around her leaving, because what does it say about me that she left. I know this is very childlike thinking, because a part of me knows that this is on her and her trauma. At the same time this childlike thinking is there because I was a child when it happened. To have my mother walk away that most mean that I am bad, I don't deserve to be loved, that this is my fault, or that I am not good enough. This belief of not being good enough is one that I really struggle with in lots of areas of my life. I look at how a mother’s love should be unconditional, people do really bad things and their mothers still love them. I speck the truth and get myself safe and now she walks away and wants nothing to do with me. Doesn't make much sense, but it really screws with my head. Now every day I question am I good enough. A good enough student, mother, wife, friend, daughter, counselor,.. the list goes on and on. I know that changing this belief is a working process but right now it really sucks!!! All I want is to be loved by my mom. 

I know that I will never get back having the mom I want with her, and to be quite frank I know she doesn't know how to be a mom and never really did. I think that I want her to be something she's not and never was. I want her to be the mom I could go to no matter what, I could call when I have a bad day, and that is there to be my cheerleader when times are hard. Most of all I want her to be there to tell me she loves me. Like I said before I do have people in my life that do this but it’s not quite the same. I know these things will never happen. For that reason I know what I want to give my children all these things that I cannot have. I have one daughter and five sons that I will get to be this for. I love all of my children so much but there is something about having a daughter. My relationship with her is everything that I wish I had and I love that. 

Justice System

It has been a while since I have written on here. SO I am going talk about something that I am working through right now. When I got taken out of my house I got appointed a state attorney, and the one I got was a real winner. I always struggled with going to his office or having to talk to him because of the way that I was treated. I never felt like he really listened to what I had to say and in return I never felt that he truly believed me. He would make comments about how I never made eye contact with him, well little does he know 13 years later I still don't like to make eye contact (even more with men) and have to force myself to do it. He also had the nerve to tell me that the jury might think that I am a bitch so he didn't like putting me on the stand. These are really just a few of the reason that I struggle with this man that was suppose to be my attorney. There are two really big reasons that I struggle with him. The first reason is, this was one of the people that I was suppose to feel was on my side, that was going to help me and keep me safe. But really I felt the flip side of that and felt that he was going along with what I had felt my whole like. I let him make me feel that I was a bitch (which my mom had told me my whole life that I was), that I wasn't good enough and most of all that I wasn't worth fighting/standing up for. This problem isn't even what I see to big the biggest problem of them all because I have dealt with feeling these ways my whole life. The thing that I have the biggest problem with is I don't feel that I was given any justice. When I started my court case I was charging my stepfather with 10 first-degree felonies (mind you this could have really been hundreds of thousands of counts). When I attorney decided, with out even asking me, that we were going to let him take a plea deal and drop the charges to 1 second degree. Yes, you read that right 10 first degrees down to one second degree. When I asked him why he told me that he didn't want to go to court if he wasn't sure we would win. I told him I was willing to take the change and was told very quickly that this wasn't my case that it was his and that he got to make that call. Last I checked he was not the one that had to sit there time after time and have sex with their step dad. My stepfather didn't even have to serve a full year in prison for what he did. This has been really hard because I don't feel like I have ever been given justice. Not that I think that serving time would change what happened to me, because I know that it wouldn't. I just have a hard time feeling like I am the only one that had to pay a price, I spent 17 years going through the abuse, went through 6 plus months of court cases, had my whole family turn away, lived in foster care, and still to this day suffer from the emotional effects of everything. Not once have I got, I am sorry I did this to you. I actually take that back as part of his treatment he had to write me a letter but in this letter it was all about how he was sorry that I felt like he did this. I am sorry that is not taking accountability for what you did and are still doing. It is so hard to sit back and never be told that you are sorry and that you know everything I have ever said has been true but yet to feel like I am suppose to forgive this person.

To say the least I really struggle with the attorney that I was appointed and the justice system. I am not sure how someone can steal a bike and get 5 years in prison and then someone else can do HORRIBLE things to a child for 17 year and get a slap on the wrist and serve 1 year. 

Late night post

Hey guys! I am so sorry I have been absent lately on here. Things have been going pretty good lately and I have been doing a lot of work to try and over come patterns that I have learned. Patterns that growing up I had to have to survive but that as an adult they don't help me any more. They have been thing such as "I can't tell anyone no" and "I need to keep everyone happy." I have also been working on believes that I have really struggled with such as I am not good enough, I am not worthy of being loved, and that I am not a good enough Mom. These are all things that will take time to over come but I am working on them.
One thing that has been really bad lately is my anxiety. If you have never suffered from anxiety you are so lucky. Some days I can control it and feel fine but other days it can control me. I have learned some triggers that I have such as large crowds and such. Some nights like last night and tonight there is nothing that triggers it or nothing that makes it better. Just a mind that won't shut off and a chest that feels tight. I know that it will pass and it will calm back down but until then I just want to say anxiety really sucks.
I am going to try and do better at keep sharing my story I will go back and pick up where I left off soon. Thanks for reading!

Life

Sorry things have been a little crazy around here and I haven't had time to write so I am going to try and catch up soon but today I want to talk about a problem that I have almost every day. I suffer from anxiety. My anxiety can range from very minimal to pretty bad. I don't really remember when my anxiety started, I am sure I had it growing up just don't remember it as much as after I was taken out of my house. After getting taken out of the home the problem became much worse, there are some times I have a hard time leaving my house or going places like Wal-Mart. For someone who has never suffered from anxiety its hard to explain how you feel and make you understand because when you are not having anxiety the it seems so stupid that you would worry about certain things and what not. Sometimes I have things that trigger my anxiety (that I am aware of) and sometimes I don't really know what cause it. Tonight for some reason is a night I don't know what is causing it but know that it is pretty bad. I just feel so on edge, shaky, and just that anxious feeling. Its nights like tonight that I really struggle with because anxiety SUCKS! It can really control your whole life. I normally do pretty well and getting it under control and not letting it affect me for very long but sometimes that doesn't happen. If you suffer with anxiety I am sorry! So enough of that!

So guys I want to know what you guys what to read about on this blog. I really want to do this not just for my healing, but also for awareness. If there is a room of 4 girls statistic show one of them has been raped and 1 in 6 males. I want to know if you want to read about how I have gotten to where I am today, things that are healing for me, or day today issues that I deal with (like anxiety) and how they affect me. Let me know! Thank you guys all so much for reading my blog and sharing it with others it means so much to me. I have always said that if I had to go through what I have went through there has to be a reason and that I want to share my story in order to maybe help someone else who may be going through something similar know that they can over come it.

When Will I Be Good Enough

Ok I am a little behind on where we are on how things played out and I will get us caught up after Christmas, I have my own business and this time of year is crazy for me. I just want to take some time to blog about a feeling that I have always struggle with and am really struggling with right now. This time of year is hard for me in general but lately I have felt that no matter what I do its not good enough. I recently applied for a Masters program in school and I was so nervous and sure that I wouldn't get in and I don't just mean the whole not wanting to sound cocky and just saying I don't think I would get in. I had made myself sick over this. The time came and I interviewed and the next day found out I had got accepted. I was so relieved and felt that a huge wait had been lifted off my chest. When I shared the good news with my husband and my best friend they both said the exact same thing to me "I was never worried, I knew you would get in, why were you worried?" Because I am not good enough is what I felt like telling them both. After having them bring tell me that they knew I would get in it made me really start to question my thinking. I have really good grades in the program I just finished, I interview well, I am smart and I will work really hard but why can't I believe any of this? I start to think back about why and where this belief of not being good enough has engrained itself into my brain. My whole childhood I was always told that I was stupid, fat, not a good enough at playing volleyball, slow, not pretty enough, all around not good enough. It didn't matter that I was ranked in the top ten of my graduating class I was still stupid and not good enough. It didn't matter that I played varsity volleyball for two year, I wasn't good enough. Nothing that I did was enough to get praise from my family. This is one of the hardest thing for me to overcome is not always feeling those things I have always been told. My husband will tell me that I am beautiful and no matter how hard I try I tell I am not. Even after he has told me over and over and I don't tell him I am not I think to myself "he is only saying that because he has to he is my husband." I can get straight A's and I just tell myself I got lucky or am good and BSing.  This is one thing that if I could tell the people who have hurt me what has been the hardest to overcome it is this. When will the day come that I can say, "I am good enough, I do deserve everything that I have in my life"? When will I come to see that I am good enough to be picked by others, but most of all when will I pick myself as being good enough?"

This concept of "Not being enough" has really made me think about how words that are said can have more damage on someone then the worse type of abuse you can think of. I am not saying that those types of abuse aren't hard to overcome because they are, but when you are told something your whole life to change that abuse has seemed to take me a million years and I still can't overcome it. This had made me really start to think about things that I say to people and how it can affect them. Sometimes when we say something to someone we might mean it one way or being sarcastic but they might take it a totally different way because of the beliefs that they have.

One day I WILL get to a point that I can feel that I am good enough and not letting everyone down around me but until that day comes I just have to keep reminding myself I am trying and to except what people say to me. One day I will feel like a good enough mother, wife, friend, student and overall person.

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