November :(

Wow, it’s been a while and life has really changed. I am finishing up school and am in my internship right now. It has been an amazing journey and I have learned so much about myself along the way. 

Here we are back to November, the month that I hate more than any month in the year. There are so many memories and feelings that come with this month. I have been working on some really hard memories that come with my trauma in counseling and it has been so tough. I know that this is how I get to the other side is to do the hard work, but damn it has been hard. I have always been transparent and raw on this blog so this post will not be any different. I feel that by sharing the raw emotions and feelings it helps me and I hope helps other see they are not alone. So, here we go.

November sucks! This year will be 15 years since I have been taken out of my house and had my life turned upside down. That means that I have almost been out of my house and not having my family in my life, as long as I lived in the house. I am sure some of you are thinking, wow 15 years and you are still struggling and hating November. Some things that you need to know, I don't always struggle, I have constant triggers, and anniversaries can always be hard. With all that said I am struggling right now and that’s just how it is. I have learned that sometimes I can't control when I struggle just how to work through it and move forward. 

Now for the reason I feel like I am struggling this year. I am going to start by saying I know I have a lot of people in my life that love me and have really stepped up. But, now for the truth of how I feel. It has been really hard to have a mom that walks away and doesn't choose you. Not only did she not choose me on that day, she has not chose me for the last 15 years. I can remember the day that I had to go back to my house with DCFS to pack all of my stuff. I remember exactly what my room looks like, the way it smelt, how it was set up but worst of all I remember the look on my moms face as I took all my stuff out and left for the very last time. The look of emptiness, like I meant nothing to her, but worst of all like I had ruined her life. A mother doesn't just give up on her children. Being a mother myself I could never walk away from my children. There are times that I feel the abandonment from my mom is worse then the entire trauma I when through with my stepfather. I have formed so many beliefs around her leaving, because what does it say about me that she left. I know this is very childlike thinking, because a part of me knows that this is on her and her trauma. At the same time this childlike thinking is there because I was a child when it happened. To have my mother walk away that most mean that I am bad, I don't deserve to be loved, that this is my fault, or that I am not good enough. This belief of not being good enough is one that I really struggle with in lots of areas of my life. I look at how a mother’s love should be unconditional, people do really bad things and their mothers still love them. I speck the truth and get myself safe and now she walks away and wants nothing to do with me. Doesn't make much sense, but it really screws with my head. Now every day I question am I good enough. A good enough student, mother, wife, friend, daughter, counselor,.. the list goes on and on. I know that changing this belief is a working process but right now it really sucks!!! All I want is to be loved by my mom. 

I know that I will never get back having the mom I want with her, and to be quite frank I know she doesn't know how to be a mom and never really did. I think that I want her to be something she's not and never was. I want her to be the mom I could go to no matter what, I could call when I have a bad day, and that is there to be my cheerleader when times are hard. Most of all I want her to be there to tell me she loves me. Like I said before I do have people in my life that do this but it’s not quite the same. I know these things will never happen. For that reason I know what I want to give my children all these things that I cannot have. I have one daughter and five sons that I will get to be this for. I love all of my children so much but there is something about having a daughter. My relationship with her is everything that I wish I had and I love that.