Way of thinking

Well since I can't sleep I might as well do a blog on something that I have really struggled with lately that I need to get off my chest.

I have found that I battle with myself a lot with what I want. As I am finishing up my degree I want to be really, really good at what I do, but I don't like attention for things. This is more than just the normal person of not liking compliments; this is more that I can't handle them. I find that I like to just ride the middle ground. I don't like compliments but I don't want to be told I am not good at something. I have really struggled with this lately. Like I said I want to be really good so, I would think I would want the compliments to help me see that I am, but I have found that is not the case.

I have never really paid attention to this fear of compliments before now. I always just brushed off when someone gave me one with, "they are just trying to be nice." I have really paid attention to what happens when I get either a compliment or criticism. I get really anxious, my heart starts beating really fast, I feel like I can't swallow, and I just want to move on. After sitting with it and doing some work around this issue, I have finally started to see why. 

This is were I am going to get real with you guys. I can't handle compliments because my stepfather really screwed up my way of thinking. He used sex for both a reward and a punishment. Let me explain. I did something good such as got good grade or played an amazing game of Volleyball, then I was "reward" with having to have sex with him. The flip side I did something bad such as didn't get 100% on an assignment or didn't do my chore perfect, then I was punished with having to have sex with him. See where I am going, I couldn't win. Riding the middle line and flying under the radar was the safest was to be. He really screwed up the way I think about myself and my self worth. Now every time I get either a compliment or criticized my first thought is something bad is coming. This is something I have really been working on because like I said, I want to be good at what I do and want to build my confidence in it. Part of building confidence comes from other telling you. So sitting with these compliments has been a working process. The reason that I share this with you is for a couple reasons. First if you give me a compliment and I brush it off and don't know how to respond it's cause I don't know how to and am working on it. The other reason is because I want each and every one of you to know that how important you are. Your self worth is so important, and no one deserves abuse in any form. You matter and you get to be what you want to be. Life can throw you huge curve balls but you get to choose what you do with it. I get to come from a really crappy background and learn to accept compliments and criticism. I get to have all my hard work pay off and be a great counselor to help others. What do you get to do? Who do you get to become no matter what gets put in your way?