Ok I am a little behind on where we are on how
things played out and I will get us caught up after Christmas, I have my own
business and this time of year is crazy for me. I just want to take some time
to blog about a feeling that I have always struggle with and am really
struggling with right now. This time of year is hard for me in general but
lately I have felt that no matter what I do its not good enough. I recently
applied for a Masters program in school and I was so nervous and sure that I
wouldn't get in and I don't just mean the whole not wanting to sound cocky and
just saying I don't think I would get in. I had made myself sick over this. The
time came and I interviewed and the next day found out I had got accepted. I
was so relieved and felt that a huge wait had been lifted off my chest. When I
shared the good news with my husband and my best friend they both said the
exact same thing to me "I was never worried, I knew you would get in, why
were you worried?" Because I am not good enough is what I felt like
telling them both. After having them bring tell me that they knew I would get
in it made me really start to question my thinking. I have really good grades
in the program I just finished, I interview well, I am smart and I will work
really hard but why can't I believe any of this? I start to think back about
why and where this belief of not being good enough has engrained itself into my
brain. My whole childhood I was always told that I was stupid, fat, not a good
enough at playing volleyball, slow, not pretty enough, all around not good
enough. It didn't matter that I was ranked in the top ten of my graduating
class I was still stupid and not good enough. It didn't matter that I played
varsity volleyball for two year, I wasn't good enough. Nothing that I did was
enough to get praise from my family. This is one of the hardest thing for me to
overcome is not always feeling those things I have always been told. My husband
will tell me that I am beautiful and no matter how hard I try I tell I am not.
Even after he has told me over and over and I don't tell him I am not I think
to myself "he is only saying that because he has to he is my
husband." I can get straight A's and I just tell myself I got lucky or am
good and BSing. This is one thing that if I could tell the people who
have hurt me what has been the hardest to overcome it is this. When will the
day come that I can say, "I am good enough, I do deserve everything that I
have in my life"? When will I come to see that I am good enough to be
picked by others, but most of all when will I pick myself as being good
enough?"
This concept of "Not being enough" has
really made me think about how words that are said can have more damage on
someone then the worse type of abuse you can think of. I am not saying that
those types of abuse aren't hard to overcome because they are, but when you are
told something your whole life to change that abuse has seemed to take me a
million years and I still can't overcome it. This had made me really start to
think about things that I say to people and how it can affect them. Sometimes
when we say something to someone we might mean it one way or being sarcastic
but they might take it a totally different way because of the beliefs that they
have.
One day I WILL get to a point that I can feel
that I am good enough and not letting everyone down around me but until that
day comes I just have to keep reminding myself I am trying and to except what
people say to me. One day I will feel like a good enough mother, wife, friend,
student and overall person.
https://youtu.be/i9WIM2zZ2nI
https://youtu.be/4fqPcnuVPR8
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