Way of thinking

Well since I can't sleep I might as well do a blog on something that I have really struggled with lately that I need to get off my chest.

I have found that I battle with myself a lot with what I want. As I am finishing up my degree I want to be really, really good at what I do, but I don't like attention for things. This is more than just the normal person of not liking compliments; this is more that I can't handle them. I find that I like to just ride the middle ground. I don't like compliments but I don't want to be told I am not good at something. I have really struggled with this lately. Like I said I want to be really good so, I would think I would want the compliments to help me see that I am, but I have found that is not the case.

I have never really paid attention to this fear of compliments before now. I always just brushed off when someone gave me one with, "they are just trying to be nice." I have really paid attention to what happens when I get either a compliment or criticism. I get really anxious, my heart starts beating really fast, I feel like I can't swallow, and I just want to move on. After sitting with it and doing some work around this issue, I have finally started to see why. 

This is were I am going to get real with you guys. I can't handle compliments because my stepfather really screwed up my way of thinking. He used sex for both a reward and a punishment. Let me explain. I did something good such as got good grade or played an amazing game of Volleyball, then I was "reward" with having to have sex with him. The flip side I did something bad such as didn't get 100% on an assignment or didn't do my chore perfect, then I was punished with having to have sex with him. See where I am going, I couldn't win. Riding the middle line and flying under the radar was the safest was to be. He really screwed up the way I think about myself and my self worth. Now every time I get either a compliment or criticized my first thought is something bad is coming. This is something I have really been working on because like I said, I want to be good at what I do and want to build my confidence in it. Part of building confidence comes from other telling you. So sitting with these compliments has been a working process. The reason that I share this with you is for a couple reasons. First if you give me a compliment and I brush it off and don't know how to respond it's cause I don't know how to and am working on it. The other reason is because I want each and every one of you to know that how important you are. Your self worth is so important, and no one deserves abuse in any form. You matter and you get to be what you want to be. Life can throw you huge curve balls but you get to choose what you do with it. I get to come from a really crappy background and learn to accept compliments and criticism. I get to have all my hard work pay off and be a great counselor to help others. What do you get to do? Who do you get to become no matter what gets put in your way?

November :(

Wow, it’s been a while and life has really changed. I am finishing up school and am in my internship right now. It has been an amazing journey and I have learned so much about myself along the way. 

Here we are back to November, the month that I hate more than any month in the year. There are so many memories and feelings that come with this month. I have been working on some really hard memories that come with my trauma in counseling and it has been so tough. I know that this is how I get to the other side is to do the hard work, but damn it has been hard. I have always been transparent and raw on this blog so this post will not be any different. I feel that by sharing the raw emotions and feelings it helps me and I hope helps other see they are not alone. So, here we go.

November sucks! This year will be 15 years since I have been taken out of my house and had my life turned upside down. That means that I have almost been out of my house and not having my family in my life, as long as I lived in the house. I am sure some of you are thinking, wow 15 years and you are still struggling and hating November. Some things that you need to know, I don't always struggle, I have constant triggers, and anniversaries can always be hard. With all that said I am struggling right now and that’s just how it is. I have learned that sometimes I can't control when I struggle just how to work through it and move forward. 

Now for the reason I feel like I am struggling this year. I am going to start by saying I know I have a lot of people in my life that love me and have really stepped up. But, now for the truth of how I feel. It has been really hard to have a mom that walks away and doesn't choose you. Not only did she not choose me on that day, she has not chose me for the last 15 years. I can remember the day that I had to go back to my house with DCFS to pack all of my stuff. I remember exactly what my room looks like, the way it smelt, how it was set up but worst of all I remember the look on my moms face as I took all my stuff out and left for the very last time. The look of emptiness, like I meant nothing to her, but worst of all like I had ruined her life. A mother doesn't just give up on her children. Being a mother myself I could never walk away from my children. There are times that I feel the abandonment from my mom is worse then the entire trauma I when through with my stepfather. I have formed so many beliefs around her leaving, because what does it say about me that she left. I know this is very childlike thinking, because a part of me knows that this is on her and her trauma. At the same time this childlike thinking is there because I was a child when it happened. To have my mother walk away that most mean that I am bad, I don't deserve to be loved, that this is my fault, or that I am not good enough. This belief of not being good enough is one that I really struggle with in lots of areas of my life. I look at how a mother’s love should be unconditional, people do really bad things and their mothers still love them. I speck the truth and get myself safe and now she walks away and wants nothing to do with me. Doesn't make much sense, but it really screws with my head. Now every day I question am I good enough. A good enough student, mother, wife, friend, daughter, counselor,.. the list goes on and on. I know that changing this belief is a working process but right now it really sucks!!! All I want is to be loved by my mom. 

I know that I will never get back having the mom I want with her, and to be quite frank I know she doesn't know how to be a mom and never really did. I think that I want her to be something she's not and never was. I want her to be the mom I could go to no matter what, I could call when I have a bad day, and that is there to be my cheerleader when times are hard. Most of all I want her to be there to tell me she loves me. Like I said before I do have people in my life that do this but it’s not quite the same. I know these things will never happen. For that reason I know what I want to give my children all these things that I cannot have. I have one daughter and five sons that I will get to be this for. I love all of my children so much but there is something about having a daughter. My relationship with her is everything that I wish I had and I love that.