When Will I Be Good Enough

Ok I am a little behind on where we are on how things played out and I will get us caught up after Christmas, I have my own business and this time of year is crazy for me. I just want to take some time to blog about a feeling that I have always struggle with and am really struggling with right now. This time of year is hard for me in general but lately I have felt that no matter what I do its not good enough. I recently applied for a Masters program in school and I was so nervous and sure that I wouldn't get in and I don't just mean the whole not wanting to sound cocky and just saying I don't think I would get in. I had made myself sick over this. The time came and I interviewed and the next day found out I had got accepted. I was so relieved and felt that a huge wait had been lifted off my chest. When I shared the good news with my husband and my best friend they both said the exact same thing to me "I was never worried, I knew you would get in, why were you worried?" Because I am not good enough is what I felt like telling them both. After having them bring tell me that they knew I would get in it made me really start to question my thinking. I have really good grades in the program I just finished, I interview well, I am smart and I will work really hard but why can't I believe any of this? I start to think back about why and where this belief of not being good enough has engrained itself into my brain. My whole childhood I was always told that I was stupid, fat, not a good enough at playing volleyball, slow, not pretty enough, all around not good enough. It didn't matter that I was ranked in the top ten of my graduating class I was still stupid and not good enough. It didn't matter that I played varsity volleyball for two year, I wasn't good enough. Nothing that I did was enough to get praise from my family. This is one of the hardest thing for me to overcome is not always feeling those things I have always been told. My husband will tell me that I am beautiful and no matter how hard I try I tell I am not. Even after he has told me over and over and I don't tell him I am not I think to myself "he is only saying that because he has to he is my husband." I can get straight A's and I just tell myself I got lucky or am good and BSing.  This is one thing that if I could tell the people who have hurt me what has been the hardest to overcome it is this. When will the day come that I can say, "I am good enough, I do deserve everything that I have in my life"? When will I come to see that I am good enough to be picked by others, but most of all when will I pick myself as being good enough?"

This concept of "Not being enough" has really made me think about how words that are said can have more damage on someone then the worse type of abuse you can think of. I am not saying that those types of abuse aren't hard to overcome because they are, but when you are told something your whole life to change that abuse has seemed to take me a million years and I still can't overcome it. This had made me really start to think about things that I say to people and how it can affect them. Sometimes when we say something to someone we might mean it one way or being sarcastic but they might take it a totally different way because of the beliefs that they have.

One day I WILL get to a point that I can feel that I am good enough and not letting everyone down around me but until that day comes I just have to keep reminding myself I am trying and to except what people say to me. One day I will feel like a good enough mother, wife, friend, student and overall person.

https://youtu.be/i9WIM2zZ2nI

https://youtu.be/4fqPcnuVPR8

The Move

Sorry guys it has been a little stressful I had elbow surgery this week so got behind so I am going to kind of sum up the rest of the week.

He was still on the run and a warrant for his arrest had been issued. That night my phone ringing waked me up. I look at the number and it’s a weird number that I have never seen. My heart starts to beat so hard I feel like I could have a heart attach. I feel like I could throw up, what do I do? I pick up the phone "Hello?" No answer on the other line I just hear breathing. "Hello?" still nothing. I hang up. I just lay there stare at the top of the bunk bed unable to sleep. I know that was him, why did he call me? Finally I am able to fall asleep.

The next day I attend the last day of school before Thanksgiving break. I am so glad that I don't have to come back to school tomorrow. My story has now been published in the paper and even though my name is not published because I am a minor they state "someone who he had a close relationship with." Well I was the only person in the town that had the last name, as I did so not much to question.

My teacher that had told me I was going to come live with his family comes and finds me to tell me that hopefully tomorrow I will get to move in. This is the first little ray of hope that I have had in the last four days. Now I think to myself I just have to get through my doctors appointment today and then hopefully I can move in tomorrow.

Later that day a state worker and my therapist come and get me from school to take me to the doctors to have a rape exam done. As I sit in the back seat and listen to the state worker talk about all of the million pets that she has I find myself holding on for dear life as she weaves back and forth between trucks. As soon as we arrive we walked into a full waiting room. I look around and find a place that I can go sit down with my therapist while the state worker goes and checks me in. As she walks up to the desk in the loudest voice ever she says "Hi I have Kendra here for her rape exam." Are you kidding me I feel like the whole room is staring at me know. YES, YES I HAVE BEEN RAPED! If you all only knew the half of it. Please just hurry and call me back into a room. After what seems like a lifetime they call me back. I turn to my therapist and ask if just her and I can go back. She makes it happen and we leave the state worker in the waiting room. When we get back into the room the have me change from the waste down so that they can do a rape exam. I take a deep breath and try not to start crying. No one should have to be sitting here waiting for this exam and for sure no child should have to. The doctor come in and starts to make small talk, "do you eat your yogurt?" She asks. "Um.... ya?" As she gets ready to start the exam all I can do is stare at the wall and start crying. I know she is trying to make this less uncomfortable but there is nothing she can say that will make it better. I have stopped listening to what she is talking about and am just wiping the tears away hoping she hurries. She finishes and I get dressed and we go back to the car. As we drive back to the safe house we discuss how I will be going to live with that family tomorrow and I start to get nervous. What if I am too much for them?

The next day is kind of a blur its super busy moving in. As I get to their house its beautiful, so cute and welcoming. I go in and find the sweetest lady in the world sitting there waiting for me. She comes right up and gives me a huge hug and tells me she will show me to my room. She offers to help me with my bags. I look around and tell her that this one bag is all I have. We go down to what will be my room and she tells me she will leave me to move in. As I sit on the bed I can do nothing but cry. How can some people get so lucky to be in a family that is so sweet and have everything I have always waited? Then there are people like me who have a childhood that I never felt safe in. All I have wanted my whole life was to have this.

I make my way back upstairs and find the family in the kitchen. When I get upstairs they inform me that tomorrow (Thanksgiving) there will be lots of people over as her whole family is coming. I feel a little overwhelmed what if they don’t like me? What if I am not good enough for them?

First Day Back to Real Life

I get up and start to get ready for the day. I feel completely overwhelmed thinking about going to school. So many questions run through my mind, What if he shows up? Will people know about it? What will people say? I finish getting ready and walk downstairs. As I get down there I see a lady sitting waiting for me to be ready to go. We are running a little late and to be honest I couldn't be happier about being late. We walk outside and there is a van plastered with the state logo on it. Are you kidding me incase this doesn't scream, "I am in state custody." I get to school as the bell rings; my first class is college English. I take a deep breath outside the door "I can do this." I walk in and turn around and walk back out, " I can't do this." As I walk down the stairs not sure where I am going one of my best friends walks up and asks if everything is okay. "No, no its not my world has been turned upside down." We decide now that I am crying to go to our volleyball coaches’ room. Every step I took, every corner I turned I was afraid he would be there. We walk in and our coach is chipper as always, soon he sees the look on my face and the mood gets serious as he asks what was wrong. I lose it and start crying even harder as I tell him the least about possible with still getting the point across. As I am finishing up another one of my teachers that I am close with walks in and I have to start all over....."And I am living in a safe home cause they don't know where to put me." Finally I am finished. Instantly my teacher says he has to go call his wife because they are going to take me to live with them and he needs to get it going. Live with my teacher’s family? Is that weird? I guess its better than no where and I had meet his wife once she was very nice so it will be okay right?

I don't make it to many classes that day. I get a call that he has taken off and is missing so they can’t arrest him; this causes more stress then any thing.

At lunch I see my brother. What do I do? Do I say hi, I have not seen him for day? I go to walk over to him and he turns away. My heart shattered in 100 pieces. What had they said to him? How could I handle this he was my best friend? It will blow over tomorrow will be better right?

I decided to try and go to my last class of the day, which was a class that we learned life skills in. About 10 minutes into class she informs us that we were going to talk about a hard subject of sexual abuse and rape. ARE YOU SHITTING ME? Without even thing tears start running down my checks I turn and look at my friend who knew. I stand up and walk out of class I can't do this. As I get out the door and down the hall a few steps the teacher walks out to see what is going on. At this point I am bawling, I tell her. She is so understanding and feels horrible. She informs me that this will be subject for a couple weeks so not to come.

School is over and I have to go back to the safe house that feels like prison. Once I get there I go right to my room until dinner. I am still not eating much it just makes me sick. At dinner tonight I have a lady that insists that I eat. Even after telling her I wasn't hungry she told me I would eat or not leave the table. I want to leave why am I being treated like a baby, I hate it here. I choke down the meatloaf (that taste horrible) just so I can go back to my room. I want nothing more then the therapist to come see me. Soon after dinner she comes. I have never been happier. I don't know what we are going to talk about but I don't care if we don't talk I just don't want her to leave. She stays for some time and we talk about stuff. After she leaves I climb in bed with my phone in my hand.

Feeling alone

After finishing the interview and going back to the room with the long table instead of sitting in the chair I lay down on the floor, exhausted. I have no idea where I will be going or what is going to happen from here. I can hear them talking around the table about what to do. One person would say "well we can't send her to her grandmas because she lives right down the street from her parents and her health is unable to take care of her." Someone asks me if I have any friends that I could maybe stay at. I reply, "I am sure someone would let me." Then as they continue talking that goes out the window because what if he tries finding me he knows where all of them live. OH MY GOSH IS HE GOING TO COME LOOKING FOR ME? This thought come racing through my head and my thoughts start to blur out what ever is being said around the table. If he came looking for me what would he do if he found me? The tears start to run down my checks again. I have already been through hell growing up why do I have to go through hell again? I start listening to what is being said around the table again. They are now talking about my real dad and sending me there. I can't go there, I don't even know him, he has wanted nothing to do with me my whole life I haven't seen him since I was 6, I was a senior I didn't want to leave my friends behind that was all I had left. Soon it seemed that idea was off the table. At this point I am feeling hopeless, there is nowhere to go and no one that wants me. I just want to change out of my smelly work clothes (I worked at Subway) and go to bed.

After what seemed like an eternity they finally decide to take me to a safe house. I talk to the therapist that came to get me from work. She tells me she will come with me while they get me all checked in. I have never been so happy to have someone go with me that I have only known for about for about 5 hours now. We walk outside and its snowing now and I don't have a coat with me. After getting into the police car we drive to the safe house. As we pull up I start to feel completely overwhelmed. Why did I have to speck up? I just want to take it all back and go back home and go to bed in my own bed. Why did I feel like I was being punished for specking the truth?

We go inside and are met by two workers who were expecting us. They start asking question like name, age, birthday (I have never had to give my birthday more then I had in the last 5 hours). Then they ask me to tell them exactly what I had brought with me. I look around, and it hits me all I have is what I have on.

W: What are you coming in with (she repeats because it has taken me so long to answer)?

K: Ummmm, I have on these khaki pants, a black apron, a black subway shirt, my shoes, and my subway hat.

W: What color are your bra and underwear?

Are you kidding me, you need to what color they are? Why incase I lose them? I have to look and see what color they are. After getting all checked in the detective I had interviewed with let me know that he would go get a bag of my stuff in the morning. He also informed that there was going to be a warrant for his arrest and a search warrant for my house to try and get evidence. The fear of him coming after me now had become so much more real.

The lady working shows the therapist and I to my room. The room is very bare just a couple bunk bed and a banana chair. I sit on the bed and she sits down with me for a minute and we talk for a second and then she tells me she will come check on me tomorrow afternoon. She leaves and I am all a lone for the first time since before work. The whole day starts playing over and over in my head. As I am getting ready to climb into bed the worker comes in to let me know that they have to checks every 30 min so they would just open the door and peek in. Really ever 30 min I am never going to sleep again. I start to drift off to sleep replaying over and over what had just happened.

They didn't lie, they check on me every 30 minutes. About 8 am they have switched shifts and the girl comes in to walk me up for breakfast. I don't want breakfast, I don't want anything. I go downstairs and sit on the couch and let her know I am not hungry but thank you. All I can do is think about how much I hope this therapist comes back soon even though I don't really know her that well.

There are a few other kids there and they are all doing their own thing. Just after everyone eats lunch (I still didn't eat, I felt so sick) we were sent to our rooms for quite time. About this time the investigator brings me some of my clothes and we have to go through the whole "check in all my stuff" process again. I had asked for the investigator to get my phone back so that I had it incase something happened. The staff at the safe house informed us that I couldn't have it there, until the investigator informed them that oh yes I would be able to have it. I figured at least if my step dad had tried to come get me I could call 911.

The therapist comes back!!! I have never been so happy to see someone I knew. We talk for a few minutes and she tells me we will get an appointment for me to come see her in her office but that she will continue to check on me and asks if there is anything I need. What was I suppose to say yes, I need you to stay, yes I need someone to be with one. Instead I just tell her that I needed socks because the investigator forgot to get me any.

After dinner I decide I am just going to go lay in bed. As I lay there all I can think about is that I have school tomorrow. How was that going to go? Would people know? I mean we live in a small town and word travels fast. Earlier that day I was informed that someone would come get me in the morning in a state van, so if people didn't know yet they would after I showed up in a state van.

I finally start drifting off to sleep.

*Even though at times I wished that I hadn't spoke my truth I would do it all over again if I had to. Yes it was hard but I deserved to not ever have that happen to me again.