The Move

Sorry guys it has been a little stressful I had elbow surgery this week so got behind so I am going to kind of sum up the rest of the week.

He was still on the run and a warrant for his arrest had been issued. That night my phone ringing waked me up. I look at the number and it’s a weird number that I have never seen. My heart starts to beat so hard I feel like I could have a heart attach. I feel like I could throw up, what do I do? I pick up the phone "Hello?" No answer on the other line I just hear breathing. "Hello?" still nothing. I hang up. I just lay there stare at the top of the bunk bed unable to sleep. I know that was him, why did he call me? Finally I am able to fall asleep.

The next day I attend the last day of school before Thanksgiving break. I am so glad that I don't have to come back to school tomorrow. My story has now been published in the paper and even though my name is not published because I am a minor they state "someone who he had a close relationship with." Well I was the only person in the town that had the last name, as I did so not much to question.

My teacher that had told me I was going to come live with his family comes and finds me to tell me that hopefully tomorrow I will get to move in. This is the first little ray of hope that I have had in the last four days. Now I think to myself I just have to get through my doctors appointment today and then hopefully I can move in tomorrow.

Later that day a state worker and my therapist come and get me from school to take me to the doctors to have a rape exam done. As I sit in the back seat and listen to the state worker talk about all of the million pets that she has I find myself holding on for dear life as she weaves back and forth between trucks. As soon as we arrive we walked into a full waiting room. I look around and find a place that I can go sit down with my therapist while the state worker goes and checks me in. As she walks up to the desk in the loudest voice ever she says "Hi I have Kendra here for her rape exam." Are you kidding me I feel like the whole room is staring at me know. YES, YES I HAVE BEEN RAPED! If you all only knew the half of it. Please just hurry and call me back into a room. After what seems like a lifetime they call me back. I turn to my therapist and ask if just her and I can go back. She makes it happen and we leave the state worker in the waiting room. When we get back into the room the have me change from the waste down so that they can do a rape exam. I take a deep breath and try not to start crying. No one should have to be sitting here waiting for this exam and for sure no child should have to. The doctor come in and starts to make small talk, "do you eat your yogurt?" She asks. "Um.... ya?" As she gets ready to start the exam all I can do is stare at the wall and start crying. I know she is trying to make this less uncomfortable but there is nothing she can say that will make it better. I have stopped listening to what she is talking about and am just wiping the tears away hoping she hurries. She finishes and I get dressed and we go back to the car. As we drive back to the safe house we discuss how I will be going to live with that family tomorrow and I start to get nervous. What if I am too much for them?

The next day is kind of a blur its super busy moving in. As I get to their house its beautiful, so cute and welcoming. I go in and find the sweetest lady in the world sitting there waiting for me. She comes right up and gives me a huge hug and tells me she will show me to my room. She offers to help me with my bags. I look around and tell her that this one bag is all I have. We go down to what will be my room and she tells me she will leave me to move in. As I sit on the bed I can do nothing but cry. How can some people get so lucky to be in a family that is so sweet and have everything I have always waited? Then there are people like me who have a childhood that I never felt safe in. All I have wanted my whole life was to have this.

I make my way back upstairs and find the family in the kitchen. When I get upstairs they inform me that tomorrow (Thanksgiving) there will be lots of people over as her whole family is coming. I feel a little overwhelmed what if they don’t like me? What if I am not good enough for them?

First Day Back to Real Life

I get up and start to get ready for the day. I feel completely overwhelmed thinking about going to school. So many questions run through my mind, What if he shows up? Will people know about it? What will people say? I finish getting ready and walk downstairs. As I get down there I see a lady sitting waiting for me to be ready to go. We are running a little late and to be honest I couldn't be happier about being late. We walk outside and there is a van plastered with the state logo on it. Are you kidding me incase this doesn't scream, "I am in state custody." I get to school as the bell rings; my first class is college English. I take a deep breath outside the door "I can do this." I walk in and turn around and walk back out, " I can't do this." As I walk down the stairs not sure where I am going one of my best friends walks up and asks if everything is okay. "No, no its not my world has been turned upside down." We decide now that I am crying to go to our volleyball coaches’ room. Every step I took, every corner I turned I was afraid he would be there. We walk in and our coach is chipper as always, soon he sees the look on my face and the mood gets serious as he asks what was wrong. I lose it and start crying even harder as I tell him the least about possible with still getting the point across. As I am finishing up another one of my teachers that I am close with walks in and I have to start all over....."And I am living in a safe home cause they don't know where to put me." Finally I am finished. Instantly my teacher says he has to go call his wife because they are going to take me to live with them and he needs to get it going. Live with my teacher’s family? Is that weird? I guess its better than no where and I had meet his wife once she was very nice so it will be okay right?

I don't make it to many classes that day. I get a call that he has taken off and is missing so they can’t arrest him; this causes more stress then any thing.

At lunch I see my brother. What do I do? Do I say hi, I have not seen him for day? I go to walk over to him and he turns away. My heart shattered in 100 pieces. What had they said to him? How could I handle this he was my best friend? It will blow over tomorrow will be better right?

I decided to try and go to my last class of the day, which was a class that we learned life skills in. About 10 minutes into class she informs us that we were going to talk about a hard subject of sexual abuse and rape. ARE YOU SHITTING ME? Without even thing tears start running down my checks I turn and look at my friend who knew. I stand up and walk out of class I can't do this. As I get out the door and down the hall a few steps the teacher walks out to see what is going on. At this point I am bawling, I tell her. She is so understanding and feels horrible. She informs me that this will be subject for a couple weeks so not to come.

School is over and I have to go back to the safe house that feels like prison. Once I get there I go right to my room until dinner. I am still not eating much it just makes me sick. At dinner tonight I have a lady that insists that I eat. Even after telling her I wasn't hungry she told me I would eat or not leave the table. I want to leave why am I being treated like a baby, I hate it here. I choke down the meatloaf (that taste horrible) just so I can go back to my room. I want nothing more then the therapist to come see me. Soon after dinner she comes. I have never been happier. I don't know what we are going to talk about but I don't care if we don't talk I just don't want her to leave. She stays for some time and we talk about stuff. After she leaves I climb in bed with my phone in my hand.

Feeling alone

After finishing the interview and going back to the room with the long table instead of sitting in the chair I lay down on the floor, exhausted. I have no idea where I will be going or what is going to happen from here. I can hear them talking around the table about what to do. One person would say "well we can't send her to her grandmas because she lives right down the street from her parents and her health is unable to take care of her." Someone asks me if I have any friends that I could maybe stay at. I reply, "I am sure someone would let me." Then as they continue talking that goes out the window because what if he tries finding me he knows where all of them live. OH MY GOSH IS HE GOING TO COME LOOKING FOR ME? This thought come racing through my head and my thoughts start to blur out what ever is being said around the table. If he came looking for me what would he do if he found me? The tears start to run down my checks again. I have already been through hell growing up why do I have to go through hell again? I start listening to what is being said around the table again. They are now talking about my real dad and sending me there. I can't go there, I don't even know him, he has wanted nothing to do with me my whole life I haven't seen him since I was 6, I was a senior I didn't want to leave my friends behind that was all I had left. Soon it seemed that idea was off the table. At this point I am feeling hopeless, there is nowhere to go and no one that wants me. I just want to change out of my smelly work clothes (I worked at Subway) and go to bed.

After what seemed like an eternity they finally decide to take me to a safe house. I talk to the therapist that came to get me from work. She tells me she will come with me while they get me all checked in. I have never been so happy to have someone go with me that I have only known for about for about 5 hours now. We walk outside and its snowing now and I don't have a coat with me. After getting into the police car we drive to the safe house. As we pull up I start to feel completely overwhelmed. Why did I have to speck up? I just want to take it all back and go back home and go to bed in my own bed. Why did I feel like I was being punished for specking the truth?

We go inside and are met by two workers who were expecting us. They start asking question like name, age, birthday (I have never had to give my birthday more then I had in the last 5 hours). Then they ask me to tell them exactly what I had brought with me. I look around, and it hits me all I have is what I have on.

W: What are you coming in with (she repeats because it has taken me so long to answer)?

K: Ummmm, I have on these khaki pants, a black apron, a black subway shirt, my shoes, and my subway hat.

W: What color are your bra and underwear?

Are you kidding me, you need to what color they are? Why incase I lose them? I have to look and see what color they are. After getting all checked in the detective I had interviewed with let me know that he would go get a bag of my stuff in the morning. He also informed that there was going to be a warrant for his arrest and a search warrant for my house to try and get evidence. The fear of him coming after me now had become so much more real.

The lady working shows the therapist and I to my room. The room is very bare just a couple bunk bed and a banana chair. I sit on the bed and she sits down with me for a minute and we talk for a second and then she tells me she will come check on me tomorrow afternoon. She leaves and I am all a lone for the first time since before work. The whole day starts playing over and over in my head. As I am getting ready to climb into bed the worker comes in to let me know that they have to checks every 30 min so they would just open the door and peek in. Really ever 30 min I am never going to sleep again. I start to drift off to sleep replaying over and over what had just happened.

They didn't lie, they check on me every 30 minutes. About 8 am they have switched shifts and the girl comes in to walk me up for breakfast. I don't want breakfast, I don't want anything. I go downstairs and sit on the couch and let her know I am not hungry but thank you. All I can do is think about how much I hope this therapist comes back soon even though I don't really know her that well.

There are a few other kids there and they are all doing their own thing. Just after everyone eats lunch (I still didn't eat, I felt so sick) we were sent to our rooms for quite time. About this time the investigator brings me some of my clothes and we have to go through the whole "check in all my stuff" process again. I had asked for the investigator to get my phone back so that I had it incase something happened. The staff at the safe house informed us that I couldn't have it there, until the investigator informed them that oh yes I would be able to have it. I figured at least if my step dad had tried to come get me I could call 911.

The therapist comes back!!! I have never been so happy to see someone I knew. We talk for a few minutes and she tells me we will get an appointment for me to come see her in her office but that she will continue to check on me and asks if there is anything I need. What was I suppose to say yes, I need you to stay, yes I need someone to be with one. Instead I just tell her that I needed socks because the investigator forgot to get me any.

After dinner I decide I am just going to go lay in bed. As I lay there all I can think about is that I have school tomorrow. How was that going to go? Would people know? I mean we live in a small town and word travels fast. Earlier that day I was informed that someone would come get me in the morning in a state van, so if people didn't know yet they would after I showed up in a state van.

I finally start drifting off to sleep.

*Even though at times I wished that I hadn't spoke my truth I would do it all over again if I had to. Yes it was hard but I deserved to not ever have that happen to me again.

The Day My Life Really Changed

This day is the day that is always very hard for me. On this day my world got turned upside down. Never in a million years did I ever think telling my mom would turn out this way. Today instead of sitting around being sad and really struggling I am hoping that by sharing my story I can help someone else.

After finally falling asleep at about 7 am I slept until about 10 when my mom came back and told me I had a phone call (because she still had my phone). Luckily it was work asking if I could come in at 3 rather than 5. I couldn't be happier to go to work, as I was that day. I would have been willing to go in at 10:30 if that meant it got me out of that house. After getting off the phone I went back to my room and climbed back in my bed not wanting to do anything but lay in the one place I felt some what safe. The saying "time stood still" has never had more meaning to me then during this time. I swear I sat there for what seemed like hours. I looked over at the clock at it was around noon. I hear someone coming back down the hall again. My heart starts beating really, really fast not sure what to do or think I sit there waiting to see whom it is. The door opens and yet again my mom stands before me telling me that I am wanted on the phone again. As I walk down the hallway the only thing that I can think about is "Please don't let it be work telling me they don't need me to come in early now." I get to the phone and pick it up to find out that my mom has called a crisis line to say that she was in crisis cause I had made allegations. Are you shitting me YOU ARE IN CRISIS? What are you in crisis for nothing happened to you? After talking and agreeing to meet the next day to talk I hang up and decide to go get in the shower. I hated talking showers, so much happened in the shower. I take a deep breath and face my fear and lock the door hoping it’s going to stay locked. I hurry and shower and luckily the door stays locked. I get ready for work and go back and sit in my room. I sit on my floor and the tear start pouring down. "What have I done by telling my mom?" "What is this going to mean for me?" "Will he leave so we can go on living our lives (little did I know this would never happen and what "our lives" was would never be the same)?" At this point I wasn't really sure what was going on or what would happen.

It was finally time to go to work! I had never been so happy about that. As we were driving my grandma called my mom and asked if she could talk to me (as you will learn later my grandma was more like a mom figure to me, just had a lot of health problems). My mom agreed to let her talk to me as long as she didn't say anything to me about what was going on and made it quick.

K: Hello (as I choke back the tears)

G: Hello baby girl, I just want to tell you that I love you and I wish that you had told me.

K: I know, and I love you too (not able to hold back the tears)

G: Ok I will talk to you soon

I give the phone back to my mom and tell myself I have to get it together before I get to work. As we pull into my work my mom tells me yet again to not saying anything to anyone about what is going on. Are you kidding me, like I want to talk to anyone about this? The one person who I thought I was supposed to talk about it with didn't even believe me. I go in and start working. Luckily it was a Saturday so it was busy and I was able to try not to think about home life.

After about an hour of work I got a phone call from the therapist that my mom had called in crisis. She informed me that because I was a minor that I would not be going home until we got this all figured out. After talking for a little bit we had decided that she would come pick me up after my shift ended at 930 and that she would call my mom and let her know that I would not be coming home. I go into the bathroom because I am having such a hard time keeping it together. At this point my chest is tight and I feel like I am riding on the teacup rides. I hurry and splash some water on my face to keep from crying and get back to work. About an hour later I get a phone call from my mom. Little did I know this would be the last time that I would ever talk to her.

K: Hello

M: I just heard you weren't coming home

K: ya

M: You better think about what you are doing before you ruin his life (and hangs up)

RUIN HIS LIFE, are you kidding what about how he has ruined my life? What about all the times he made me have sex with him, I guarantee that he never once thought about how he was ruining my life.

I went back to work not sure what was going to come after I got off, or even what this person was going to look like that was picking me up. That night I was working with one of my close friends and I couldn't be happier about that. As the time got closer to 9:30 I started to get very overwhelmed. How was I going to know who this person was? Where were we going to go? When would I get to go home? Tears started to come down my cheeks. My friend came over and asked if I was ok? At this point I couldn't keep it in any long. NO I wasn't ok. I just started bawling and start to tell her what had been going on. After telling her we are both bawling and she gives me a hug and tells me everything was going to be ok.

Its finally 930 and in walks a lady and asks if I am Kendra. I clock out and we leave. As I sit in her car trying not to cry, throw up and trying to calm myself down, I have no clue what even to say to her.  Little did I know she was going to have a huge impact in my life and be by my side for everything and be a huge mentor. We drive to the police station because the Children's Justice Center is above it. We walk in and I felt like my heart could have pounded out of my chest. We sit at a long table with lots of chairs around it. Another women comes and sits down with us and starts asking questions about what is my full name, address and birthday. I answer them not sure why she is asking them but just do what I am told. After we get done we are taken into a room to do an interview. The room has two couches in it with these cat pillows (they were kind of creepy). The therapist and I sit on one couch and two men sit across from us on the other. I start to get very uncomfortable. I hate having to talk to men. We start the interview with them asking me to please telling them why I am there.

K: Because my step dad sexually abused me

Men: Can you tell us what that meant?

K: That he made me have sex with him

Men: Can you tell us exactly what he made you do, or did to you

What do I say? This has been my secret for over 10 years. I start to tell them what has happen by giving the least amount of information as possible. Soon I am asked to please be more descriptive. With every word I speck all I can do is look at this stupid cat pillow I have on my lap and run my finger around the eye buttons. I can't make eye contact with these men. As I tell them what had happen it got harder and harder. Every time I would use a slang word suck as dick they would ask me to use the correct wording. I hated saying any of these words no matter if it was slang or correct why do I have to say it again. This interview seemed to never end. We took a break at some point because I was so worked up and need the therapist to calm me down. Finally around 1 am we finished the interview and where taken back to the room with the long table. Now the question that everyone asked each other was "What do we do with her, we can't send her back?"